Walk a mile in the other man’s shoes.
Bloody the bully’s nose.
If you don’t stop, you won’t get stuck.
These are from my father, Ronald Green, the original Heman of hemantools.com.
-Gary Green, Little Rock, Arkansas
Get up, get at it and get it done. If you sit around and wait for it to happen, it never will.
-Edward N. Brown, Millville, New Jersey (1916-2011)
If you ain’t got time to do it right, when do you have time to do it over? Maybe that’s when you need to get started.
The first baby can come at any time. The second one always takes nine months.
Life and rodeo: Just remember, if you can’t ride em, thrill the crowd.
Always pay cash and you will be the first one to know when you are broke.
Witticisms about Hunger:
I am so hungry I could eat the back hoof off a billygoat. Lets go find a bowl of beans.
A good cook can take an opossum and make it taste like an armadillo.
Wisdom about lessons in life:
If he goes back after you beat his ass, might as well kill him.
You better find out whose ringin the dinner bell before you come runnin to supper. Translation: Things are not always what they appear.
A liar will disappear faster than a fart in the back of a pickup truck
I'll tell you the first time, the second time, I'm gonna show you (in a way you ain’t gonna like).
Two things I know for certain: there is one God and I ain't him.
Ain't nothing like regret to remind you that you are alive.
That blue ribbon hog is going right back to the slop.
He ain't figured out yet he ain’t never gonna be able to lick his own nuts.
There ain't nothing like cashin checks and takin a piss when you got to…..
- The Hall Family, Madison County, Arkansas
Sex is something you never have with a woman you don’t want to marry. (When asked by his grandson for the definition of sex).-William Arnold Ashton, Port Elizabeth, New Jersey (1908-1989)
Dude. A diamond in a goat's ass ain't nothing but a diamond in a goat's ass.
-Randy Hall, Little Rock, Arkansas
No one ever gets fired for showing up early or staying late.
Holidays, a time of high expectations, and low reality.
-Forrest Reynolds, submitted by Bethany Pickering
Wisdom about snobbery:
He is struttin like a $2 rooster. Translation: He ain’t as cute as he thinks he is.
I wish I was as cute as she thinks she is.
He'd gripe if you hung him with a brand new rope.
Wisdom about work:
I have been workin like a rented mule.
Wisdom about intelligence:
All that boy’s floats ain't in the same parade.
He ain’t got enough sandwiches for a picnic.
Don’t let him invite the neighbors for dinner.
He ain’t cookin with no gas.
The boy is wearing overalls with only one strap.
He is acting like a goose in a hail storm.
He's like a porcupine in a balloon factory.
He's like a monkey trying to @#!& a football.
Was you in the back of the line when they handed out brains?
They was all out of smarts when you got there, huh?
Wisdom about Inexperience:
He ain’t got no salt in his soup.
He ain’t circled the block enough times to know better.
You couldn't drive a ten penny nail up his ass with a sledgehammer. Translation:
He is a little nervous.
Wisdom about laziness:
He ain’t afraid of work, he'd lay down right beside it and go to sleep.
He's still got his momma wipin his ass . . . !
- The Hall Family, Madison County, Arkansas
Put it back where you found it, or next time you won’t be borrowing anything of mine.
Put it back where you found it, or next time you won’t be borrowing anything of mine.When you borrow something that belongs to somebody else, treat it the same way you would if you paid for it.
Either way you are going to be in trouble, but you will be in less trouble if you tell the truth.
If you lie, you will eventually get caught. It’s hard to keep up with something that never happened.
If you lie down with dogs, you’ll end up with fleas.
You shift by the sound of the engine, not the gage on the dash.
Blunt the end of that nail and your wood won’t split.
If you can get it to the sink, you can put it in the dishwasher.
Close the door - I’m not paying to heat/cool the neighborhood.
When I say 10:30, I mean 10:30, not 10:31.
If you can’t do it right the first time, don’t bother doing it at all.
Two wrongs don't make a right.
- Charles Ashton - Hot Springs, Arkansas
Wisdom about honesty:
If he'd lie to you, he'd steal from you.
Bullshit will stick to the side of a hill only so long.
He ain’t got no bubble gum in his back pocket.
Throw fast balls son. (meaning no curves or sliders and always tell the truth).
Don't piss on my leg and tell me its rainin boy….
I already got enough smoke up my ass boy….
Them taters ain't got no gravy boy.
That dog ain’t' gonna hunt.
Them shells don't fire.
A man is only as good as his word.
Wisdom about table manners:
He's smackin' like a possum eatin grapes.
He's smacking like a poodle eating peanut butter.
Wisdom about upcoming punishment:
I'm gonna put a pop knot on your head that you could park a four wheel drive on.
I'm fixing to be on you like black tar on a white poodle.
I'm gonna beat you like a rented mule.
You want a case of the red ass, boy?
I'm fixin to whip you like butter.
I'll be on you like a duck on a junebug.
You wanna case of the red ass?
Ain’t nothin good happens after midnight . . .
This ain’t no democracy . . .
I’m gonna tear your arm off and beat you in the face with the bloody end of it.
Wisdom about failure:
Well, you blew your wad son….damn shame your wad ain't big enough.
Get busy livin or get busy dyin.
Don't let that pony buck you off twice.
If you ain’t lived til you've screwed up.
Wisdom about Women:
They like a train, you better keep the fire goin or they ain’t good for nothin.
I just figured out what to do with my dirty socks (i.e., put em in her mouth).
Damn I wish as I was smart as she thinks she is.
That woman is so ugly, I'd chew my arm off to keep from wakin' her up.
Look son, its another cartoon moose (referring to not only her looks but her propensity to know everything as Bullwinkle, AKA Mr. Know it All).
Smart Ass Retorts to Women:
I didn't get the damn memo.
Thank you captain obvious.
- The Hall Family, Madison County, Arkansas
More Smart Ass Retorts to Women:
Victoria did not give her the secret.
- Wade Fisk, submitted by Jerry Fisk, Master Bladesmith and National Living Treasure
On being idiotic:
That boy's been in the medicine cabinet one too many times…
That ole gal's died her hair….
General insults:
He's gruntin like he's gonna shit a peach seed…
The lights are on but nobody's home….
He still believes his momma….
She needs to reconsider that hairdo…..
On gossip:
Its as good as a cold donut and yesterday's coffee….
They need to tend to their own knittin…..
On bad haircuts:
You get a bowl a soup with that haircut boy?
Multiple application sayings:
You best be a dump truck and back up before you dump your load boy…
Translation 1: Practice safe sex
Translation 2: I'll knock you up side the head if you cool down
Translation 3: You got a smart mouth
Translation 4: Get out of my face
You don't get to come to town much do ya?Translation 1: You’re an idiot
Translation 2: You don't have any manners
Variations on "your welcome":
Ain't nothing but a thing…
I'd-da done it for my momma
Ain't nothing to it…
You are talking to much:
Shut your piehole boy….You eat too much or you are being greedy:
Get yur meat hooks off that _______________
You bunch of chow hounds….
On fat men who smoke cigars:
(After he looked up at the sky while ducking his head) Must be gonna rain cause I see a hog carrying a stick in its mouth……On Farmers…
You can tell how many head (of cows) a man's got when he got his pants tucked in his boots…..
On being busy:
I gotta get back to my rat killin'
I'll let you get back to your rat killin
On being guilty…or less than perfect:
Everybody's got their own rats they gotta kill…..
On bad weather:
It's slippery than owl shit and onions…
On being in a hurry:
He looked like a bowl of spaghetti somebody throwed out the back door…
All I seen was assholes and elbows….
He was running like a scalded dog…..
On being lazy and stupid:
Ain't but two things to do with your pecker in your hand son…..
That boy aint' got a lick of sense
He’s done went and sucked eggs….
On good looking women….
Watch your pup tents boys….
On Regret:
It aint' no cryin affair…..
On meanness:
He'd fight a runnin chainsaw….
On hardheaded women:
A man stands a better chance with a gate post….
On trying hard:
If your best is a "C" that’s good enough for me.
On being tired:
I feel like I've been pulled through a knot hole backwards.
- The Hall Family, Madison County, Arkansas
Everything matters.
- Jimmy Pruitt, submitted by Dane Pruitt
Why I plowed a mule so long I could hear one fart and tell you what size collar it wore.
- Larry Cole, Benton, Arkansas
That boys bread ain't quite done.
If you could put that old boys brain in a hummingbirds head it would suck a bulls ass thinking it was a morning glory.
The only thing in life you can't unscrew is a woman.
His face turned redder than a dogs pecker.
- John Aycock, Baxley Georgia, submitted by Larry Cole
On Politics:
When I was a senior in high school I told my dad I wanted to go into politics. I still remember his advice . . "Boy, I would rethink that . . . you only have two friends now.
- Wade Fisk, submitted by Jerry Fisk, Master Bladesmith and National Living Treasure, who relates the following description of traveling with his daddy:
"Going to church in dad's old pulp wood truck when we were even younger. No windshield. Wrap up in quilts during the winter with the wind coming in. Don't get near the doors as they were held on with horse shoes."